“I’m feeling uninspired, talk to me about your relationship with God”… This is how the conversation that inspired today’s post started.

Hi!! everyone, how have you all been doing? Great I hope. Can you believe we are already in the last days of 2024? Praying we all have a joyful end of year experience as we await 2025.

If you’re someone that follows trends on social media then you might be familiar with the “barest minimum” trend that came up in the course of this year. This whole trend was about having a partner that did the barest minimum in a relationship and how that was such a red flag. The barest minimum means the least possible amount. In relationships, it implies not putting any effort or attention into the relationship i.e you’re not going out of your way to show your partner that you love, appreciate or respect them.

In today’s post though, I’ll be using this term in a slightly different context. I started 2024 with a very strong mindset; full of zest and hope. Just before the end of 2023, I made a decision that would potentially change the trajectory of my life moving forward and things were moving in the affirmative for me so of course, I would start the new year with a lot of hope and excitement. I was making big plans with my family and really just encouraging my parents to do same. My favorite song at the time was “ If dem no ginger you ginger yourself … nobody clap for you, clap for yourself… you self you don try for yourself… see many battles wey you win by yourself….”https://youtu.be/19YE_My6Cms?si=AOjFUSXvGgToqqp9 Your girl was pumped full of hope and determination ready to face the new year.

I have a post here (http://yarhsjournal.com/i-still-believe-the-movie/) where I talk about my prayer life and how most times I’m more confident praying for others than praying for myself because I somehow believe that God may not do what I pray for (because it’s me) so why pray about it anyway and set myself up for disappointment. It’s more like when I pray for others, I can give reasons why I think God should do this and that for this or that person but when it comes to pleading my own case I think of all the reasons why God wouldn’t.

I never do the whole crazy faith kind of prayer and even when I put my requests forward I try to be reasonable as possible because again, I don’t want to set myself up for disappointment if the answer is a NO (which seemed to be the case from past experiences). However, this time around, I decided to step out of my way and do things differently. I was not going to be “Laissez-faire” but will actively pray to God about this thing I desire with all my heart, pray consistently and be intentional about having faith that God would do this for me. As things fell in place, my faith grew stronger and the more positive I was that this time around His answer would be yes! Being very aware of my brain’s tendency to work against me and fill me with doubts to discourage my soul, I dedicated myself to reading the Bible more consciously and even kept a journal of affirmations to keep me positive and keep the faith alive on such days. Your girl meant business…

This particular decision was a huge deal for me because it was my first time stepping outside the shadow of my dad to make a decision for myself without having to lean heavily on his assistance. It did help a lot that everything was working out pretty well by the time I eventually had to tell him about my plans. My little sister was also embarking on an equally important journey of her own at the time. So two sisters exercising their rights as adults, making big decisions to pursue big things on their own and doing the necessary work to get there… that looked like a recipe for success if you ask me.

In as much as I did not want to entertain any negative thoughts, I still had to be honest enough with myself to consider the possibility, no matter how little, of things going the other way. My greatest concern was my tendency to fall back into passiveness. I worried that God will see my sudden devotion and dedication as a ploy to get Him to do my bidding. In all my prayers I was careful to ask the Holy Spirit for strength and devotion to continue to stay true no matter the outcome.

Long story short, everything went south at the last minute. Interestingly, when things started looking bad, I spent one night just sitting before my mirror literally having a conversation with God and crying my eyes out because I felt (a premonition of sorts)how heartbreaking it would be if God did not do this thing for me. So when I finally concluded that things would not pan out, I did not feel half as heartbroken as I thought I would be because I had already felt these emotions in advance. Dejection and maybe a little sadness.

For me, things not working out for both my sister and I felt like a rude awakening, a reality check… “Why did you think something this big would happen to you?” “ who were you kidding?”, “You should just stick to basic prayers” etc all these thoughts run through my head at one point or the other. I remember asking God “You know this is our first time doing something like this, making the bold decision and trying to do things for ourselves why would you not answer our prayers with a Yes knowing very well how much this will impact our faith… Why would you crush us so cruelly?” Don’t get me wrong, I never doubted God’s ability to do these things, my doubt was His WILLINGNESS to do them for me. I don’t want to sound ungrateful because I do not take it for granted that I have life and health and that my family and loved ones are all in good health. But then again is that all I should be praying for? Should I not aspire for more, should I not want to do bigger things set bigger goals and pray about these goals?

In as much as, I was and will always be grateful for the things God was doing for me, they felt like the barest minimum because he was doing for many others as well. In that moment I felt as though God was only doing HIS barest minimum for me. And that where I was concerned He couldn’t be bothered to do even a little extra. Especially because NOTHING is beyond Him. Surely God wants us to aspire for more and to pray to him about our heart desires. Did I eventually fall back into my passiveness? Yes I did. Why? Because I felt I had neither the will nor the strength to actively pray about anything else. I felt God knew too well to allow certain things happen because how does he expect us to survive them let alone go through them with gratitude… My heart broke, especially for my sister because the bad news just wouldn’t stop hitting her. And I thought “don’t you think that’s enough already? When will you let her catch a break?”

So at the time I called this particular friend I was feeling very out of it, uninspired and quite confused about how to actively love and worship God while still feeling the way I felt because I did not want to stay being passive again. My decision to call this particular friend is because I had witnessed him suffer a huge loss in life and just be bombarded with disappointment so much so that I once asked God “what are you doing? Why are you letting these things happen? How do you expect him to still be OK?” For whatever he went through I knew I couldn’t survive even a third of it. In spite of all he went through he spoke about his relationship with God in a way that made me think at the time “wow could never be me”. But here I was, needing to speak to him about my own struggles so he would help me in my own faith by sharing his with me.

The conversation gave exactly what I was hoped it would give and one thing he said that stuck out to me was “Abi, I understand what you’re saying and in my own time, I also felt so many things, but God carried me through it. I wasn’t just calm and agreeable… God carried me through all the while I was crying and throwing tantrums like a spoiled child, but he carried me through it all, and never once left me”. This message struck a chord with me because then I suddenly felt the closeness of God again. I realized that I was in my era of God carrying me while I cried, complained, and threw tantrums. I thought to myself “God knows how I’m feeling. He definitely understands my heartbreak and how dejected I feel and that although I’m barely praying anymore, he’s still carrying me through this phase.” His statement validated how I felt but also made me realize that God was not against me and that ,in fact, He was carrying me through it. Prior to our conversation, I was disappointed in myself for falling back into what I prayed against. I also wasn’t confident about praying anymore, but by the end of the conversation, my mindset had changed because I was reassured and happy to realize that whatever happened happened, but God never left and in my weakness, He became the strength I wasn’t even aware of and that He’s carrying me through this phase.

This is an appreciation post to the friends we can call and have honest conversations with especially about our Christian journey. To the friends who create a safe space for us and help us when we are weak in faith, you are truly God sent and the world needs more of your kind. And may we all aspire to inspire one another in this walk of faith. To anyone who is going through their own version of setbacks or struggle… The sun will rise again, my friend, and while it still hasn’t know that God is with you in the darkness, especially when it doesn’t feel like it.. Jia you 加油
Always and forever your girl…

XOXO
Yarh