I have had one of the bumpiest, most unstable relationships with God that anyone could imagine. There are at least three posts on here where I talk about my relationship with God and my journey as a Christian, and if you pay close attention, you’ll notice a pattern—albeit subtle—in this bumpy walk of faith of mine. “Abigail, I feel like you should be farther along in your journey as a Christian than you are now. It seems as though you keep moving in circles, praying over the same struggles all the time. I need you to be serious so you can grow spiritually.” These were the words spoken to me by a friend after a prayer meeting some years back, and they have stuck with me since then because I knew they were true.

Therefore let us move beyond the elementary teachings of Christ and be taken forward to maturity, not laying again the foundation of repentance from acts that lead to death and of faith in God. Hebrews 6:1

Hello again, family! I hope you are all doing well by God’s grace. Almost a year ago, I made a post introducing a series where I wanted to journal my experiences throughout my twenties. I certainly didn’t think it would take me nearly a year to write the very first post, but here we are. In spite of how unstable my journey may seem at times, my faith as a Christian and my relationship with God is the most important part of my life—it influences my every thought and action. As such, it is only natural that my first post for the “At the End of My Twenties” series is a reflection on my Christian walk, three decades into my time on this earth.

“Jacob I have loved, Esau I have hated…” The very first time I read this verse in the Bible, a conflict arose in my spirit-one I have not been able to settle yet. Honestly, I would even dare say it might have been better for my sanity if I had never come across this verse and I’ll attempt to explain why. There are two specific stories in the Bible that I do not quite agree with the fate of some of the characters in them, let alone how there seemed to be an attempt (at least by our Bible teachers back then) to portray these characters as the “villains” in the story. These characters are Esau and the older brother in the parable of the prodigal son.

When it comes to the story of the prodigal son, I’ve always felt the older brother was right to feel how he felt seeing as he stayed with his father, toiling and tilling while his younger brother just partied his inheritance away. It did not seem fair that his loyalty and faithfulness to his father were downplayed, or that he somehow ended up cast as the “villain”. Also, it looked like the father showed clear favoritism towards the younger brother and that to me meant that the he loved the younger sibling more. Older sibling:0. Younger sibling:1. However, I know that in reality, by virtue of my lifestyle, I am actually the prodigal son in this case and the love the father showed his repentant son should give me peace in the knowledge that God meets me with the same grace.

The story of Esau and Jacob is another one that really got me in my feelings as a firstborn child. Because what do you mean the father wanted to bless Esau-which was his rightful inheritance-but the mother led Jacob to deceive his blind father and steal it? First of all, why couldn’t Isaac bless both sons? I’ve always felt that this was such a profound injustice done to my fellow older sibling. So, imagine my shock when I first came across the verse: “Jacob I have loved, Esau I have hated…”. I thought to myself, wow! Esau was fighting a losing battle before he was even born. The odds were stacked against him from day zero and he was never going to win this one. Older sibling:0. Younger sibling:2. Not that I’m keeping scores lol…

The problem with my identifying with Esau is that I somehow managed to define that verse as ultimately meaning God loves some people and hates others. The ripple effect of that single thought is what has manifested as instability of my relationship with God. Because of it, anytime I desired for something or even dared to pray for something that didn’t come to pass, I would easily explain it off as “that’s because God has chosen to hate me”. Ridiculous right? Except, at the time, my susceptible mind somehow accepted this unfortunate lie as a possible truth.  It was just easier to accept this as a reason why God wouldn’t say yes to my prayers. Every time I have thought about walking a straight path and growing in my relationship with God, I would somehow find myself thinking, “If God has chosen to hate me, nothing I do can make Him love me. So why even try?”

As each year ends and another begins, my New Year’s resolutions are never without the desire to have a better relationship with God. I’ll start the year ‘right’, yet that momentum always seems to fizzle out by midyear. Year in and year out, the cycle repeats. My yearly desire to have a deeper relationship with God-no matter how many times I have to start over-is because deep down, I am highly aware of the fact that the enemy has me in a mental chokehold of a lie. I know that truly, “Jacob I have loved, Esau I have hated…” has nothing to do with God’s love for me. Each New Year’s resolution is just my weak but consistent attempt to climb out of that hole of deception and revel in God’s love for me.

“Jacob I have loved, Esau I have hated…” seemed like a convenient explanation when things didn’t go my way. But the truth is, my life hasn’t been a constant stream of “NOs” from God. What about the many answered prayers? Did I suddenly switch identities from Esau to Jacob during those times? Or were those moments just occasional oversights where God forgot to hate me? I think not. It is just so much easier to explain away God’s “NOs” as evidence of hate, rather than doing the hard work of trying to understand the complexities of why a particular request might not be His will for me.

December 2024 was a very dark period in my life. It was then that I desperately sought the friendship of the Holy Spirit to comfort me, because I simply couldn’t afford to lose myself in the midst of that grief. Experiencing the closeness of the Holy Spirit in that period strengthened my relationship with God. I still don’t have a perfect theological theory to explain away the whole “Jacob I have loved, Esau I have hated…” verse, but honestly? I don’t need one anymore. Because in that darkness, I had a genuine turnaround.

There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. Galatians 3:28

This is a verse I have long been familiar with, but now I dare to apply its truth completely: In Christ, there is neither Jacob nor Esau. For the longest time, I allowed a toxic lie to fester in my mind, destabilizing my faith. I believed that if God chose to hate Esau, it meant there were some of us He just chose to hate—and that I somehow fell into that unfortunate group. I finally realized that it was simply easier to hide behind that lie than to do the vulnerable work of believing God actually loves me when things don’t go my way. At the end of my twenties, I decided to bring an end to that cycle and move forward. Growing in faith takes conscious, daily effort. It isn’t something that just happens to a person while they sleep at night.

Each day, I wake up choosing to believe in God’s intentions for me: “For I know the plans I have for you….” As I step into my thirties, I carry with me the precious friendship of the Holy Spirit and a daily resolution to forge ahead in faith. I move forward knowing, without a doubt, that I have the full backing of a heavenly Father who loves me. I am just a girl…

I will end this post with an open invitation to any of you who can better explain the Bible verse in contention here- please leave your thoughts in the comments section. As always, don’t be a stranger, and see you in my next post.

Xoxo

Yarh