I’ve read Songs of Songs a number of times but never really realized this verse (which appears more than once actually). When I first noticed it , I couldn’t get it off my mind . A lot of things made sense to me and that moment I promised not awaken love before its time.
You see I’ve had quite a number of relationships and if I’m single now then it can only mean they all failed .
After my last relationship, I decided to take a break in order to focus on myself more , get to know me better and understand why I couldn’t last past 3-4months (mostly) in relationships. Truth be told, I made that decision at that time (I think) because it was what people usually said and I made a bet with my friends that I’d wait until after a year so yh! I had to stick to my words.
It’s over 3 years down the line and tho I’m still single, I’ve had a few distractions/bumps here and there . I have, however, learnt so many things about me, things I want etc.. all in all, I’ve been shaped into this lady that I admire and love so much within this period . A force to be reckoned with. At a point when I didn’t even know what laid ahead of me, God put the right people in my life . I’ve learnt so much from and with them, so much so that I can’t help but be grateful because this was definitely God’s plan.
While I’d love to share the things that I’ve learnt so far and how much my friends and family have influenced my life , that’s not what this post is about . This post is about the many times I have failed to measure up to be the woman I know I am and want to be. It’s about the subtle and not-so subtle compromises I’ve made within these 3 and something years that I’ve been single and grown to become a ” better version of me “.
I’d meet a cute guy , start liking him and if he expressed mutual interest ( not so much in words but by actions), I’d start playing around , having conversations I know better than to be having and a few compromises here and there just to keep the interest going. All the while my conscience would be pricking me like a pin in a dress . I’d eventually give in and let my conscience win by cutting off whatever it is I may have started….. usually after I realise things are going much further than i bargained for or getting much realer than I wanted…….(sigh)… In the end, I’d be left with a guilty conscience and the other person emotionally stressed.
You see the problem is that, I was introduced to a whole new person – a woman I always wanted to be but never thought was possible until I met ladies who were actually living the reality of my fantasy. And so when I saw that it was actually possible to be that girl, I became excited to be her. Unfortunately, I had old habits (baggage) that I enjoyed and was even good at …. habits that to other people, who don’t necessarily understand my path or aren’t on the same journey as me, weren’t bad but had to go in order for me to grow too. I didn’t realise just how much work I had to do to let go… self-denial and all.
I’ve always wanted a better relationship with God and within this period, my faith grew stronger and better , this also made the effects of every single set back more deep than usual … for I was still far from perfect. I struggled a bit with inferiority complex growing up and this led to many bad decisions. Thanks to God and to each and every single person in my life, I found myself and my place .
After a series of sermons, studies , bible discussions and personal reflection, I made the decision to surrender the “right person/partner for me ” job to God. I’d tried and failed on my own so why not let the One person I’d grown to trust and confide in (God) do the job? He knew my likes, dislikes , fantasies , wants and needs so why not Him?… I surrendered my will , time and being to Him to honor and glorify Him. A decision that almost always couldn’t stand the test of time because anytime someone interesting came my way , I’d cut back on time spent with God -if I had to- to talk with them. The will which I so willingly surrendered to Him (God) would then be taken back again by me , as if to use for a while and then return later. I’ve compromised quite a number of times and where the devil would have me throw in the towel due to guilt , God always showed me a way out . A God like this….
Yes I have become someone better than I was a few years back ; spiritually, emotionally ,mentally , socially etc…. but I’m still not a complete manifestation of that person. For sometime I didn’t know which ‘me’ appealed most to people so based on who I was talking with , I’d either be the me now or the me then just to maintain their interest. Consequentially, I’ve had to run away from alliances that were built on someone I no longer am .
What I’ve realised today is that, such an attitude doesn’t serve me or the other person any good . I made a decision which required me to change somethings about me . Leading people on by making them believe I am someone I’m not ( anymore ) and expecting them to accept who I really am later on is like putting burger in a pizza box and expecting the customer to accept the burger just like that tho they ordered for pizza. ( if they wanted burger they’d probably have gone to burger king right?… lol). It’s robbing them off their choice and in the end the whole emotional stress is just not worth it.
I’ve managed to keep a few good friends in spite of how we may have started off but girl!!!.. all that mess could’ve been avoided.
This verse speaks volumes for me because I realised that my time for love was never ready in the past. I had identity issues , insecurities, battling with faith and trying to take on the world ( whatever that means) at the same time. That was definitely not my time and every relationship I had not only failed but also left some hearts broken. These early romantic awakenings eventually became a distraction in my passionate pursuit of God.
I wouldn’t say my time for love is now , but at least I’ve come very far . I’m in transit ; not where I was and yet not at my destination either. I’m on my way.
I share this with you all today, dear friends, not to dictate when the right time for love is but to tell anyone who’s probably going thru something similar that they’re not alone. I also want to encourage the strong ones among us ( at least in this area) that they should never give up because by being themselves, they have unknowingly become the anchor that helped some of us find our way home.
Like I said, I’m still in transit and for now I have some questions of my own, questions which I hope y’all can help me understand better …
Does surrendering my choice mean I should avoid people who express romantic interest in me just to see where things would lead ( esp if i like them back)?… I don’t think God will literally wake me up from sleep and present ‘him’ to me so… in this waiting period , how do I wait ? I’m not in a rush but it still helps to know .
Please do share your thoughts and suggestions in the comment section.. help a sister out .
Thank you for spending time to read this long piece , hopefully you enjoyed it and will be back here again.
Take good care of yourself and don’t be a stranger…